Comteplating Thoughts

I apologize for taking so long to update this blog. I really have no excuses other than “Life Happens”. I do hope that over the summer we will all be able to slow down a bit and enjoy some quality together time.

Over the past few weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am not sure why. I think it is because I have been doing a lot of driving by myself. Kevin’s and my schedule have not been synching up recently, so we tend to be going in opposite directions. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about a decision I made almost eight years ago. I am not going to go into the details of the decision. For those of you that know me will know what the decision was. Just know that in one instant I went from cloud nine to a very dark and deep place. It was a permanet decision and one that I can never regret. I armed myself with lots of information. I prayed a lot. I talked a lot with Kevin. And together we made what we felt was the best possible decision. If I was to go back in time, I would make the exact same decision.

But that does not mean that I do not think about that decision every day. I constantly worry that I am being judged because of my decision. I worry that I am being “punished” for this decision. This is going to sound like a “pitty party" for a little bit; I certainly am not meaning to whine. It just seems that no one wants to be around me. No one calls me on the phone. No one goes to lunch with me. No one from work talks to me. In fact, people that used to call me all the time no longer call. They always have an excuse for when I want to make plans with them. So I just stopped asking.

My best friend in the world is Kevin. And I guess that is a good thing; I just miss having a buddy I can have “girl talk” with. There are a few buddies from college that I chat with but everyone is so busy with kids that we just are loosing touch. I look around and other people my age with kids and a husband seem to have a life; they have friends they do things with. They have “date nights”. They have a life outside of their marriage. What did I do wrong that I don’t have this?

I feel like have tried; I go to church; I volunteer. I am active in my children’s life and activities. But then why is it that I feel like a lepar? Why is it that when I walk into a room people walk the other way like they are trying to avoid me? Perhaps they are not meaning to; but I am beginning to develop a complex. I just feel like I cannot do anything right.

I have always been told that life is all about what decisions you make. Perhaps I just made the wrong one.